Full Metal Jacket

The title isn't what you guys think, really. It's kinda funny, but... lemme explain.

Today started off on the wrong foot entirely. The douche Senior Chief that sleeps opposite from me decided that he needs to take it upon himself each morning to wake up everyone in the berthing at the time he deems necessary to get everyone out to the grinder by muster time set by the First Sergeant. That's all well and good, but...

a) He's not in charge of everyone in the barracks, just his side (that's his platoon).
b) Our muster time was set for 8:00 AM, and he felt I needed to be awake at 7:11 AM to make it on time.

In light of the second one up there, I did get out of bed when he started barking out reveille crap, but I went as slow as I could possibly move in order to prove a point; to myself if to nobody else. Sure enough, even moving as slow as I was, it only took me ten minutes to take care of the morning routine, including bathroom crap, making my bed, and getting dressed.

7:21 AM.

So that gave me roughly half an hour to just lay there on my bed, fuming at this idiot's behaviour. What ever happened to self-accountability? I mean, really. I've never been late to muster. If anything, I've been early to the vast majority of them. So why the hell does this guy feel he needs to take it upon himself to rouse me from sleep that, in my sickened state, I desperately need before I need to be?

Whatever.

And as I lay there, another one of the Senior Chiefs (this one, the only one I actually like) comes by and asks me if I'm gonna get ready to go. I hold up my watch, he laughs and keeps walking.

Five minutes to eight, and I finish throwing on the rest of my gear, and walk out to the grinder.

And I make it there at 7:57 AM.

The First Sergeant makes it there at 8:07 AM, and almost all of fourth platoon is late as well.

Even more fodder against that jerk.

But I digress.

From here, we went and marched to a training site where we learned how to check people and vehicles entering the base. I got volunteered to be the guy to check the vehicles/people at the tier 2 portion of the whole deal, and man, did I suck big time. Of course, it didn't help that Drill Sergeant Watson, the one playing the part of potential friend/foe, had one of the most deadpan expressions ever, throughout the entire thing. The first mistake I made was to let him reach into the vehicle and grab a Pepsi can, which he threw at all three of us security people.

"Your entire team is dead, high speed," Drill Sergeant Jarvis said.
"Roger," I replied, "Lesson learned."
"And I've got an idea for you, high speed," he continued, "You're gonna transfer into the United States Army, and you're gonna become a mighty fine Drill Sergeant. But first, you gotta speak up like you got a pair, hooah?"

It's funny: no matter how derogatory he can be, I just can't help but be amused by it. His nickname of "high speed" is roughly on par with "shipmate" for dirtiness, but it's just... it's funny.

Anyway, I went around the van with Drill Sergeant Watson, telling him to open different parts of the vehicle so that I could inspect it. When he opened the rear passenger door, and I saw a few rolls of toilet paper, and some paper towels, I had to assume that in the imaginary world, these represented more than what they were at face value.

"Drill Sergeant," I started, "What would be considered as 'suspicious' in this simulation?"
"Anything you think would be suspicious, high speed," he replied.
"So... like these rolls of toilet paper, then?"
"I don't see what's so suspicious about toilet paper."
"Well no," I replied, "But then, I didn't see what was so suspicious about a can of Pepsi, either."

Finally, Drill Sergeant Watson laughed and broke the illusion.

"Alright, well it's your call," Drill Sergeant Jarvis laughed, "If you feel uncomfortable, give the call."

I shrugged it off and went around and finished inspecting the vehicle with Watson.

"Alright," Jarvis started, "How's the vehicle?"
"Good to go," I replied.
"Good to go," he repeated, "And what about our individual?"
"Still not good to go."
"Alright, so what do we do next?"
"I inspect him?"
"You inspect him?" he asked, "Why you?"
"Because I have the capability to do so, and my other security guys have their paws full of M16's."
"Yes, you do have the capability to do so, but don't you think that you should put your other security team to use?"

And then he motioned to the other guys I'd failed to notice behind the concertina wire.

"Ahhhh," I replied, "Right."
"Ahhhh," he repeated.
"Follow me, sir," I told Watson.

He didn't move. I started walking toward the concertina wire, and he picked up a good solid stride right behind me.

"He's gonna do exactly what you tell him to do," Jarvis said.

I eyed Watson over my shoulder for a few steps, but ultimately smirked it off and kept walking toward my destination.

And seconds later, I had his arms around my neck, giving me a good squeeze.

"You're dead," he said.

He let go and I turned to face him and Jarvis. Fortunately, they were both smiling, so it wasn't too big a failure.

"Never take your eye off the guy," Jarvis said, "Always maintain complete control."
"Roger," I replied, and ushered Watson the rest of the way into the inspection area.

And that was it for that particular run of failures. At that point, the sky was threatening to open up on us, so we got taken back in groups to grab some rain gear. And wouldn't you know it, right when I got safely back in the van with my gear on, the sky literally did open up, and let loose one hell of a downpour. The others in the van made jokes about how everyone back at the site were gonna be soaked, and Watson laughed and laughed.

And when we got there, everyone was just standing in the rain with the most miserable expressions on their faces.

We joined them pretty quick.

Fortunately, my platoon had headed for cover in one of the buildings we were using for practicing breaching and the like. And I got to shine once again with my level of suck for this crap. I was standing in front and off to the left of the door, and Jarvis came and more or less kicked it in to get in.

"Whoops, my bad," he said, "But that's why you don't stand in front of the door, high speed. Violence in action."

Yet another lesson learned!

Aside from there, the only lesson I'd learn is that I excel at kicking down doors. After that, we had lunch, and then one final lesson before being taken back to the barracks via bus. After a bit more training there, we were let go until our final muster of the day at 4:50 PM. Which would later be canceled, and we'd be set free for the day at 4:00 PM on the dot.

Score.

Aside from that, not much else to report. Went to the exchange and got me a copy of the Military Appreciation Edition of Microsoft Office 2007 for $80.00, and an 8Gb iPod Touch for $240. And this is where the title of this post comes in:

Throughout the entire day, I had several people come up to me and ask, "Are you okay there, Shaw? You're not gonna go all crazy and kill us, are you? Because if you are, just remember... I'm your friend... right? Just asking, because you have that 'Full Metal Jacket' look on your face."

Yes, well... stress and sickness will do that.

Out.